"Now that I've met you, would you object to never seeing each other again? Cuz I can't afford to climb aboard you, no one's got that much ego to spend."
I'm always amazing at first. There's passive flirting, I single you out for attention without making you uncomfortable. I never commit so obviously to the flirt that I can't retract at the first sign of danger. I ask you questions about yourself. I'll remember everything you say, I'll be on your side.
We'll go on a date. It'll seem like it was your idea, but I led you to it. It won't be like any first date you've been on. We'll stay out/up much later than you usually do. We'll tell stories. We'll connect. I know enough about anything to hold up my end of the conversation. We'll kiss too soon, we'll talk about why it's okay, because we've known each other for a while. It's not like we're strangers.
I'll make you a CD. One of those songs will become Our Song. I'll kid you about your musical tastes. You'll watch movies you've never heard of. You'll feel like you've discovered a whole new culture. You'll credit me.
We'll become a couple. I'll stay over. A lot. You'll stay over at my place some.
But I won't ever clean it up. My messy car will seem less charming every time you get in it. Eventually, we'll stop taking my car at all.
I'll sleep in when we could be out and about enjoying time together.
My funny rants about everything will get old. I'll start to seem less like an observer and more like a critic. You'll tell me I'm a little judgemental. You're not the first to say it. I'll defend my position.
You'll wake up one day and see that I've invaded your life. We watch my movies, listen to my iPod. You quit watching your favorite shows because I'm such a dick about them. I'll make you feel stupid for liking what you like, how you spend your time. You'll feel small because you don't read enough, or contribute the way I think you should. You'll put too much stock into my opinion and wish you hadn't.
You'll love me but feel trapped. You'll remember the early times, when I was amazing. I seem to have quit trying to charm you. I've stopped wooing you. I've got you and you want it to be like it was. You hate how it is.
I'll be oblivious. When you try to talk about it, I'll down play it. I'll be defensive. I'll blame you. You'll try to regain the high ground in your life and I'll accuse you of changing. You'll feel guilty and frustrated. We'll stop sleeping with each other. I'll ignore your calls and take too long to call you back. I'll stop calling. We'll punish each other with silence. We could solve it, but one of us has to make the first move; you'll be too hurt, I'll be too proud.
"It's not going to stop, until you wise up."
I'll realize how close to losing you I am and I'll scramble. I'll address it before you do. I'll say I'm sorry. I'll work to save us, but it'll be too late. When my efforts fail, I'll blame you for not trying to save us.
We'll break up.
I'll do it again with someone else. You'll date the polar opposite of me. Someone more normal, more grown-up. He won't care what you listen to, his house will be clean. He won't seem as exciting, but he'll be stable.
I'll be sweet to you when we run in to each other. We'll be fond of each other and a little sad about how it turned out. As if we couldn't control the outcome, as if it were fate. We'll act like I didn't sabotage us with neglect, with pride.
You'll move on. I'll start my pattern over again.
I'm sorry.
Or... maybe not. Maybe I'll wise up. Maybe I will try every day to charm you. You'll feel wooed and wanted. Not with sweet romantic gestures alone, but also with practical mature decisions. You'll see that I can stablize. I can still love the Lost Boys even if I'm not Pan any more. I'll strike a deal with adulthood. I'll meet it halfway. I'll take you seriously by taking good care of myself. I'll try to match your goodness. I'll shut-up sometimes. I won't need to win every battle. I'll choose fewer battles to even fight.
Instead of "I love you," I'll say, "Thank you." Because you deserve a little more gratitude.
And even though I've got you, even though you've committed to me, I'll still be amazing. I'll flirt with you. I'll charm you. You will be treasured every day. We will have fun. We will be fun. I will go from Has Been to Could Be.
I hope.
Hold Fast,
Caulfield
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Social Cartography
First, Watch This:
http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/61
I love disaster flicks. I like the scene when all the important people are gathered, the President, the general, the Cabinet, the chest of drawers (I kid!), and the meek yet not-unattractive scientist explains the catastrophe - the meteor is coming, or the virus is spreading - and then they go to the projected damage screen. It always shows the point of impact or origin and then a scary red circle grows in size as the meek scientist says "Here's the affected area after a day, two days, a week, etc..." And then the sad music plays.
Based on the TED video I linked (I don't know how to embed. I tried and there was html everywhere), it looks like they really do something like that to deal with diseases and outbreaks and whatnot. Which is pretty cool. I think they call them Ghost Maps.
I'd like to see a Life Map of an entity with a positive influence on its community. I'd like to be in the room of important guys as the meek Pastor, or Community Volunteer, points to a screen and says, "This is the neighborhood three years ago before we established our church/school/rec center and after 6 months, 9 months, a year 18 months, and two years, we've reduced crime by 5% and increased the property value by 1% and all the babies born in the area can read as soon as they're born." I'd like to see that.
There are more churches in the within the city limits of Dallas TX than in any other city on the planet. What does Dallas's Life Map look like? What are the Hot Zones of well-being, charity, good-will and even tempered dispute resolution? How many inmates in the Dallas County Correctional Facility and Day Spa have been visited?
In the video, a single water pump near a Cess pool killed thousands. Shouldn't a fountain of the water of life have opposite effect?
I've been to Dallas. It's no Shining City on a Hill. It's a mean place with bad drivers, and sports teams that can't hack it in the post-season. It's a bunker of concrete, thirtythousandaire condos, and is in no real way distinguishable as a city full of churches. Maybe the guy who told me that was talking about the fried chicken joint. Which would make Dallas one of the most delicious cities in the world.
Churches used to run hospitals. Ever hear of Presby? Methodist? Churches used to have the sort of impact that could be charted on a Life Map. Churches used to plant themselves inside of cities instead of fleeing to highway off-ramps.
I'm moving into a new neighborhood soon. Maybe I'll make a good impact there. Maybe in a few years I'll meekly chart my relationship with my neighbors and see what kind of impact I've made. Maybe I can get James Spader in a lab coat to do the presentation. I hope Rip Torn will wear a General's Uniform if he attends. My life is a disaster flick, and it's probably boring if you're not in it. Michael Bay must be directing.
Hold Fast,
Caulfield
http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/61
I love disaster flicks. I like the scene when all the important people are gathered, the President, the general, the Cabinet, the chest of drawers (I kid!), and the meek yet not-unattractive scientist explains the catastrophe - the meteor is coming, or the virus is spreading - and then they go to the projected damage screen. It always shows the point of impact or origin and then a scary red circle grows in size as the meek scientist says "Here's the affected area after a day, two days, a week, etc..." And then the sad music plays.
Based on the TED video I linked (I don't know how to embed. I tried and there was html everywhere), it looks like they really do something like that to deal with diseases and outbreaks and whatnot. Which is pretty cool. I think they call them Ghost Maps.
I'd like to see a Life Map of an entity with a positive influence on its community. I'd like to be in the room of important guys as the meek Pastor, or Community Volunteer, points to a screen and says, "This is the neighborhood three years ago before we established our church/school/rec center and after 6 months, 9 months, a year 18 months, and two years, we've reduced crime by 5% and increased the property value by 1% and all the babies born in the area can read as soon as they're born." I'd like to see that.
There are more churches in the within the city limits of Dallas TX than in any other city on the planet. What does Dallas's Life Map look like? What are the Hot Zones of well-being, charity, good-will and even tempered dispute resolution? How many inmates in the Dallas County Correctional Facility and Day Spa have been visited?
In the video, a single water pump near a Cess pool killed thousands. Shouldn't a fountain of the water of life have opposite effect?
I've been to Dallas. It's no Shining City on a Hill. It's a mean place with bad drivers, and sports teams that can't hack it in the post-season. It's a bunker of concrete, thirtythousandaire condos, and is in no real way distinguishable as a city full of churches. Maybe the guy who told me that was talking about the fried chicken joint. Which would make Dallas one of the most delicious cities in the world.
Churches used to run hospitals. Ever hear of Presby? Methodist? Churches used to have the sort of impact that could be charted on a Life Map. Churches used to plant themselves inside of cities instead of fleeing to highway off-ramps.
I'm moving into a new neighborhood soon. Maybe I'll make a good impact there. Maybe in a few years I'll meekly chart my relationship with my neighbors and see what kind of impact I've made. Maybe I can get James Spader in a lab coat to do the presentation. I hope Rip Torn will wear a General's Uniform if he attends. My life is a disaster flick, and it's probably boring if you're not in it. Michael Bay must be directing.
Hold Fast,
Caulfield
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings
The New Counting Crows album came out today. My girlfriend and I drove around doing errands and listened to it straight through twice.
I hope the digital medium doesn't destroy the album. I don't think it will. I think Wilco and The Black Crowes, and Ryan Adams, and The Counting Crows, I think they will defend the honor and the glory of the album.
Anyway, the new album is really good. It's the continuation of a story that Adam Duritz began telling us 15 years ago with August and Everything After. This is the everything after. He still battles insomnia, he still loves Maria, hates himself, wants fame without isolation, intimacy without commitment, and to believe in something beautiful.
If you're not already a fan, this album is a good place to start.
Hold Fast, (especially you Mr. Duritz)
Caulfield
I hope the digital medium doesn't destroy the album. I don't think it will. I think Wilco and The Black Crowes, and Ryan Adams, and The Counting Crows, I think they will defend the honor and the glory of the album.
Anyway, the new album is really good. It's the continuation of a story that Adam Duritz began telling us 15 years ago with August and Everything After. This is the everything after. He still battles insomnia, he still loves Maria, hates himself, wants fame without isolation, intimacy without commitment, and to believe in something beautiful.
If you're not already a fan, this album is a good place to start.
Hold Fast, (especially you Mr. Duritz)
Caulfield
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Sweet Little Lies
No banana flavored candy tastes like bananas, but all banana flavored candy tastes the same.
This smacks of conspiracy. I first noticed it once after a trip to the pool in my neighborhood. The pool had a little snack stand. I decided to switch from SweetTarts (chewy, of course) to Now & Laters. They should just call those "Nows", cause that's when I eat them. Or each pack should offer two flavors, one for NOW - cherry, apple, lime, banana, and one for LATER - pickle, ash, sofa.
Back to the bananas. It bothered me that neither my favored SweetTarts nor the N&Ls had captured the essence of the banana. Even Spree and Runts don't have it right. So what's the deal?
Conspiracy. Like the world bank, the moon landing, and Shopping Mall Santas, someone is pulling strings.
As a kid, I pictured the heads of the major candy brands getting together in Canada for a secret summit.
Willy Wonka, Charles Nestle, Barbara Hershey, Sugar Daddy, and Bazooka Joe all got together. Wonka is probably the chairperson for the Pentfectionary.
"Listen folks, I think we're all sinking too much money into extracting the real banana flavor for our candies. If we use real banana juice, the candy turns brown in the sun and gives everyone the runs. It's time to make a decision."
Then they settled on the flavor that has become the ubiquitous character of any banana flavored candy. If you were to give a child a banana flavored SweetTart, a Runt, a Now & Later, and then give them their first banana, they'll think the banana has it wrong.
So is truth simply all of us agreeing to tell the same lies?
Hold Fast,
Caulfield
This smacks of conspiracy. I first noticed it once after a trip to the pool in my neighborhood. The pool had a little snack stand. I decided to switch from SweetTarts (chewy, of course) to Now & Laters. They should just call those "Nows", cause that's when I eat them. Or each pack should offer two flavors, one for NOW - cherry, apple, lime, banana, and one for LATER - pickle, ash, sofa.
Back to the bananas. It bothered me that neither my favored SweetTarts nor the N&Ls had captured the essence of the banana. Even Spree and Runts don't have it right. So what's the deal?
Conspiracy. Like the world bank, the moon landing, and Shopping Mall Santas, someone is pulling strings.
As a kid, I pictured the heads of the major candy brands getting together in Canada for a secret summit.
Willy Wonka, Charles Nestle, Barbara Hershey, Sugar Daddy, and Bazooka Joe all got together. Wonka is probably the chairperson for the Pentfectionary.
"Listen folks, I think we're all sinking too much money into extracting the real banana flavor for our candies. If we use real banana juice, the candy turns brown in the sun and gives everyone the runs. It's time to make a decision."
Then they settled on the flavor that has become the ubiquitous character of any banana flavored candy. If you were to give a child a banana flavored SweetTart, a Runt, a Now & Later, and then give them their first banana, they'll think the banana has it wrong.
So is truth simply all of us agreeing to tell the same lies?
Hold Fast,
Caulfield
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
War on war
I went to a concert with some friends a few weeks ago. There were two opening acts before the headliners came out. (The openers destroyed the headliners, by the way.)
During the first song of the headliner a guy and his girlfriend moved from the back to front where my group had been since before the first act. He wedged himself in so tightly that I couldn't lift my arm to bring my drink to my mouth.
Assuming he simply wasn't aware of the space he was usurping I politely tapped him on the shoulder.
The exchange went something like this:
Me: Hey brother you're stepping all over me here.
Jerk Face: So?
Me: Well maybe this isn't the best place for you to camp out.
Jerk Face: So, move back.
Me: I can't move back, there are people behind me. I don't want to be the rude guy who crushes everyone.
Jerk Face: Are you saying I'm rude.
Me: No, I'm saying there may not be room for you up here.
Jerk Face: Is that a problem?
Me: I guess not man.
Now, this guy was ready to fight. He was willing to battle for his 2'x2' space near the stage. I backed off and I know that backing off was the right thing.
I hate, though, that there was any doubt. I hate all the pressure I felt to be the cool movie guy and either embarrass or physically dominate this little punk.
Now, I don't believe in Karma. But I do believe that if you pee in the pool enough, eventually you're gonna swim in piss.
A few seconds after my encounter, I looked up to see the same Jerk mixing it up with a security guard. I don't know what the issue was, but it resulted in the jerk being thrown out of the venue.
Here were my wants:
During the first song of the headliner a guy and his girlfriend moved from the back to front where my group had been since before the first act. He wedged himself in so tightly that I couldn't lift my arm to bring my drink to my mouth.
Assuming he simply wasn't aware of the space he was usurping I politely tapped him on the shoulder.
The exchange went something like this:
Me: Hey brother you're stepping all over me here.
Jerk Face: So?
Me: Well maybe this isn't the best place for you to camp out.
Jerk Face: So, move back.
Me: I can't move back, there are people behind me. I don't want to be the rude guy who crushes everyone.
Jerk Face: Are you saying I'm rude.
Me: No, I'm saying there may not be room for you up here.
Jerk Face: Is that a problem?
Me: I guess not man.
Now, this guy was ready to fight. He was willing to battle for his 2'x2' space near the stage. I backed off and I know that backing off was the right thing.
I hate, though, that there was any doubt. I hate all the pressure I felt to be the cool movie guy and either embarrass or physically dominate this little punk.
Now, I don't believe in Karma. But I do believe that if you pee in the pool enough, eventually you're gonna swim in piss.
A few seconds after my encounter, I looked up to see the same Jerk mixing it up with a security guard. I don't know what the issue was, but it resulted in the jerk being thrown out of the venue.
Here were my wants:
- To see clearly what the right thing to do is and do it.
- To kick that guy's ass.
- To rise above violence and use reason.
- To teach that punk a lesson.
- To not feel threatened or bullied by other people's poor choices.
- To make that guy think twice before acting the fool in public.
- To forgive the foolish who choose the lower path.
- To be forgiven for wanting so badly to act like I didn't know better.
- To be calm in the face of adversity.
- To be scary to my adversaries.
- To forgive my enemies.
- To frighten my enemies.
- To be the better man.
- Self-control.
- To be the bigger man.
- Self-control.
I wish I were more like Jesus, Mr. Miyagi, my dad, my mom, Chuck D, most of my friends, and none of my enemies.
Hold Fast,
Caulfield
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
Heard from the Stage
"Hey alright! Man wow, thank you, thanks so much. What a good crowd. Wow. You guys having fun tonight?! Alright alright, well we're gonna kick your collective ass so GET READY! Man, it's good to be home. They say the home crowd is the best one and man THEY WERE RIGHT! Yeah! It's crazy, I used to come see shows here all the time back in the day, I never thought I'd be up here in front of you guys. Wow.
Hey is anyone here from Davis High? Hell yes! Go gophers! Right?! Seems like yesterday I was playing the talent contest back there. We lost by the way. Oh well, I don't see any baton-twirlers up here tonight, so we should be okay.
I do want to thank Aqua Mauza for opening up for us, y'all give it up for Aqua Mauza! Hell yes!
It took us a long time to get here, so we're going to make the best of it tonight. Who knows when we'll get another chance, right?
So, this next song is about a girl I knew back in my Davis High days. I guess you could say she was The girl. You know? That girl? Everybody's got a That girl. Well this one really screwed everything up for me. No seriously, I think I peaked too soon. I mean, what 17 year old stoner boy with a guitar deserves a Goddess? And yet... and yet there she was.
She was that girl that you'd see and want to be with, and then it's like...Holy Shit, I AM with her.... I had no idea how to treasure someone like that. I mean she could see right through me and was never impressed by the band stuff. I mean, she came to the shows, but she liked me for me. She could care less weather or not I ever got famous...
I mean she took care of herself, you know, but she also took care of everyone around her. And she was beautiful, like for real. It's crazy. This band has gotten me more action than I could ever have guessed... but it's never good like it was with her. Stop, stop, I'm not talking about that stuff, I mean everything.
So, yeah, she really fucked everything up for me. After a girl like that... after a That Girl, where do you go? I'll tell you. You go down. You go away. You get famous and get all this gravity and suddenly instead of intimacy you have satellites and cheap thrills. Man I'd give up anything to lose it all. ...
... Jesus, you guys got quiet on me, something I said? Hey we're still gonna rock, right? RIGHT?
... right?
Anyway, I hope she came to the show tonight. I know she knows who I'm talking about. If you're out there, this song's for you. And anyone else who let That Girl ruin 'em the way mine ruined me...
So here we go...1..2..1.2.3.4....................................... "
Hey is anyone here from Davis High? Hell yes! Go gophers! Right?! Seems like yesterday I was playing the talent contest back there. We lost by the way. Oh well, I don't see any baton-twirlers up here tonight, so we should be okay.
I do want to thank Aqua Mauza for opening up for us, y'all give it up for Aqua Mauza! Hell yes!
It took us a long time to get here, so we're going to make the best of it tonight. Who knows when we'll get another chance, right?
So, this next song is about a girl I knew back in my Davis High days. I guess you could say she was The girl. You know? That girl? Everybody's got a That girl. Well this one really screwed everything up for me. No seriously, I think I peaked too soon. I mean, what 17 year old stoner boy with a guitar deserves a Goddess? And yet... and yet there she was.
She was that girl that you'd see and want to be with, and then it's like...Holy Shit, I AM with her.... I had no idea how to treasure someone like that. I mean she could see right through me and was never impressed by the band stuff. I mean, she came to the shows, but she liked me for me. She could care less weather or not I ever got famous...
I mean she took care of herself, you know, but she also took care of everyone around her. And she was beautiful, like for real. It's crazy. This band has gotten me more action than I could ever have guessed... but it's never good like it was with her. Stop, stop, I'm not talking about that stuff, I mean everything.
So, yeah, she really fucked everything up for me. After a girl like that... after a That Girl, where do you go? I'll tell you. You go down. You go away. You get famous and get all this gravity and suddenly instead of intimacy you have satellites and cheap thrills. Man I'd give up anything to lose it all. ...
... Jesus, you guys got quiet on me, something I said? Hey we're still gonna rock, right? RIGHT?
... right?
Anyway, I hope she came to the show tonight. I know she knows who I'm talking about. If you're out there, this song's for you. And anyone else who let That Girl ruin 'em the way mine ruined me...
So here we go...1..2..1.2.3.4....................................... "
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